I really, really don't want this to be taken as a pointless vent to where I complain and nothing happens. I'm trying my best to better myself as a person and solve the issues described below. Criticize me if you will but I thought this was the best cause of action.
I'm just incredibly alone
It's true. I have no friends outside of Discord, 0. I'm an antisocial insufferable undesirable human being and I honestly wouldn't wish to be friends with myself if I had the opportunity. I'm trying harder to be a better person, honestly. I've been spending a lot of time with my mother and sister as of late as I feel horrible for isolating myself from them for the past 5-6 years. I love my family but I have a hard time showing it. I don't know if I'm just a dick or it's down to autism but I speak to my family horribly and I need to and will stop.
Back on topic, friends. There's only one person I know IRL I could really consider a friend. I'm not sure how far that extends to them though. They favor others and just leave me behind which I'm okay with, nobody can be around someone 24/7. The difference is in that I think I like them a lot more than they like me and it's causing me issues.
As for Discord, I have no reason to be here anymore. As far as I can tell everyone left in Novus see's me as some kind of authority or law, there's no real friendship with nearly anyone. This is perfectly demonstrated while people I'm friends with having fun on a rabb.it scramble to delete the internet history as soon as I enter the voice channel. I'm not annoyed about that situation anymore in the slightest, it's over. What it did do though is really make me think about who my friends are. There's really nobody on an even playing field in the Discord anymore. Nobody has the same ""fame"" or status. I'm either looked up to or looked down upon. There are exceptions to this such as the two very kind people I spoke to today but as a whole I don't feel really accepted by anyone in my own community.
Depression and dread
I really need to see a doctor, again. I don't feel as if my current antidepressants are working anymore. I quite honestly never want to get out of bed in the morning anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is someone I always dread will have enough of me and my bullshit and leave. The fact I have nothing to do and nobody to do it with besides college work is making me worse. I have no motivation to get anything done and when I do it always ends up being horrible, hence this post. I'm not back at the point of where I was in 2017 where I wanted to die but every day feels like the same shit and I just don't want to live through it.
Why this is even a post
Honestly, after talking to an actual friend earlier he suggested I write something like this as a blog post to get it all out. The vent has helped.
!!I DO NOT WANT MESSAGES ON DISCORD ASKING ME IF I'M OK!!
You've read this, you already know the answer.
I also wanted to note that I'm trying to detox myself from social media. I've muted Discord, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc on my phone and I will only check them on a desktop or my iPad. While I'm out, well, if I'm out, I don't want my entire life to be taken over by the platforms. It's honestly degrading the quality of my college work and I believe this will help. The only contact I have enabled on my phone really is iMessage and Telegram. If I trust you enough, you'll have either / or.
Christ this is getting too long, this is way over my comms count jfc.